I’ve been thinking about this post for four months, since the last post in fact. Running 40 marathons in 45 days last summer was the most incredible experience. Being alone for so long gave me great strength; I was at one with myself for the first time in my life, completely open and transparent. I was proud of completing Run Europe, of achieving an impossible dream. Mostly importantly I felt that I was doing something good, by finding my voice and speaking openly about domestic violence. I was moved to see others inspired to make positive change in their lives. My voice has been silenced, by Self Doubt.
This blog was intended to show the ups and downs of Run the World from concept to completion. Less than two years in: Run Europe complete, Run Egypt planned, Run India evolving, kit sponsorship, a photographer and a fellow runner for Run Egypt, and others committed to helping raise awareness about domestic violence. It’s more than I could have dreamed of, so why am I talking about Self Doubt?
I hadn’t realised the impact that talking openly about my personal experiences would have, on me. The more I talked, the more I remembered. The more I remembered, the more I observed. The more I observed, the more I was weighed down by how ingrained domestic violence and sexual abuse is. I started to question what impact I could possibly make? That’s when Self Doubt took a firm grasp.
I doubted my integrity: why wasn’t I writing about the tough times as well as the good times? So I stopped writing. I doubted my honesty: I talked about domestic violence but kept quiet about sexual abuse, was I ashamed? So I stopped trying to spread awareness. I doubted my ability as a runner: I was too slow, too unfit and wasn’t running enough, how could I call myself a runner? So I ran less.
The Power of Self Doubt is this. Once it takes hold, it creates the person it wants you to be. None of those doubts were true, but once self doubt took hold, they all became true to me and immobilised me, preventing me from being the person I am.
The Power of Self Doubt can be broken very simply however. We just have to look in the mirror and remind ourselves that we love ourself, there is nothing to be ashamed of and we can do anything we want. So after a few roller coaster months, I’m back and I’m raring to go. Focused on Run Egypt training, loving running, feeling healthy and, most importantly being kind to myself so that I can be the person I am.
Next time you have self doubt, look deep inside and remind yourself that you’re great and you’re going to be even greater.
Thanks for your support. Run Egypt is going to be epic and I’ll update on this amazing adventure this week.
Have a great week,